Looking down on people is bad practice, especially for marketeers

The internet was supposed to unite the world. Instead, algorithms and nuance-free formats have pushed us further apart. The U.S. election is a perfect example: people on both sides are appalled that anyone could vote differently. Nuance disappears:

You want poor people not to go hungry? Socialist!
You think the rich should pay slightly more tax? Communist!
You think the Democratic Party is too bureaucratic? Republican!
You voted for Trump? You monster!

Sure — you can choose outrage. But at some point, it helps to understand why others think and vote the way they do. That voice of reason is easily drowned out online, especially by cancel culture.

I’m reminded of a line from Orson Scott Card:

“Once you understand what people really want, you can’t hate them anymore. You can fear them, but you can’t hate them, because you can always find the same desires in your own heart.”

It doesn’t say you must agree. It says that once you understand, hatred loses its power. And dialogue becomes possible.

Take religion. I can make fun of my church-going relatives for “believing fairy tales every Sunday,” and I wouldn’t be entirely wrong. Or I can recognize that church gives them community, stability, and guidance — desires I also have.

In Hackers & Painters, Paul Graham notes that in U.S. high schools, the not-so-popular kids bully the nerds because they sit just one rank above them — close enough to feel threatened. He says something similar happens in society: poor white Americans are often the most hostile toward black Americans.

You can be appalled by white supremacists. But you can also try to understand what fuels their anger. Understanding is not approval. It’s simply the first step to persuasion.

You don’t need to agree with anyone’s political or diet ideas. But you can probably do more to understand.

Understanding Enables Better Communication

Consider how smoking is often addressed:

“Smokers die young.”
“Smoking is stupid.”

You can tell smokers they’re idiots all day — it won’t help them quit. But Nicorette ads understood the real struggle: quitting is painful, obsessive, all-consuming. One ad shows a man being bitten by a shark and barely noticing — because he’s thinking only about smoking. That resonates. That works.

Climate messaging often fails for the same reason. When you give people endless guilt about something they feel they cannot control, they become apathetic. Negativity rarely converts.

Cultural Conflict Without Understanding

In the Netherlands, the debate around Zwarte Piet (Black Pete) shows two sides talking at each other:

One side: it’s racist and hurtful.
The other: immigrants shouldn’t change Dutch traditions.

Nobody is trying to understand the other. Because many assume that understanding means approving — and that’s not true.

Cultures around the world have their own blind spots. Spaniards may think Black Pete is bizarre; the Dutch think bullfighting is barbaric. Everyone believes their tradition is natural, and others are strange. Understanding requires humility and curiosity — both are rare.

Identity Makes Understanding Hard

Changing your beliefs often feels like changing who you are. I used to think the Netherlands was a special country; after living in China, I see it as very similar to Denmark: small, organized, safe — and not particularly important. And I used to think of myself as a “world citizen,” but living abroad made me realize how Dutch I really am.

Our sense of self is built on the stories we believe. If those stories are challenged, we feel threatened.

Why This Matters for Marketing

If you work in marketing, lack of empathy is not just morally questionable — it’s professionally damaging. Many marketers sneer at the very people they’re supposed to understand:

Why do overweight people eat at KFC?
Why do poor people have so many children?
Why did people vote for Brexit?

Then the next day they claim to “deeply understand target audiences.”

Juniors often approach marketing with humility. Seniors sometimes approach it with overconfidence — assuming that years of experience means they automatically understand people. Often, they don’t.

Good marketing begins with empathy.