In Shanghai, cars, scooters, or bicycles in public are exposed to the impulses of opportunistic advertisers. So while you’re asleep or at work, they may place cards or stickers — fancy designs promoting services ranging from fake diplomas to ladies of not-so-virtuous nature, as well as housing funds.
I’ve been annoyed dozens of times by these cards or stickers, because each time a promoter has made their rounds, those cards are everywhere. I never saw who did it, until one morning last week. I grabbed the brochure from my bicycle and gave it back to the promoter, telling him that he’s just causing needless trash in our compound and nature.
Those are my Dutch habits taking over. Because whenever I tell Eva of such a thing, she tells me I shouldn’t bother, just let them do their thing. And most Chinese people are like that. ‘Don’t care’ isn’t just part sympathy to let these hardworking people get on with their jobs, it’s also pragmatism to not waste energy on things you cannot change. And it’s not just people putting flyers on your car. People avoid unnecessary conflict, whether it’s at home or in the workplace. And it’s the most unnatural thing for me.
Dutch people aren’t just primed to care, but also to mention it. If you want to try this out, go walk on a cycling path in the Netherlands (or Germany). The first cyclist will tell you to move to the pedestrian path, and the words used may not be so friendly. We see this as a form of keeping society civil. You don’t need authority to correct someone, and the unspoken idea is that if everyone does it, people will stick to what is the norm: pedestrians on the pedestrian sidewalk, so cyclists can use the cycling path. This is harmony in the Netherlands.
So in Shanghai, it’s hard for me not to speak out when people smoke in corridors, or let their dog poo in the compound, or throw the wrapper of some candy onto the ground. Dutch people are so ingrained with justice or what is fair, what is the norm, that we forget that perhaps we’re fighting a losing battle, or that perhaps it doesn’t matter that much. Because harmony in China isn’t everybody following the rules; it means the absence of confrontation.
I once mentioned an issue to our boss, and he ignored it, until a week later I mentioned it again, and again, and maybe the fourth or fifth time, he had enough: “Do you think I don’t know that? Of course I know! It’s just not so easily fixed.”
In the Netherlands, implied meaning does not count as communication; we want efficient clarity over politeness. Anything else is seen as rude and a waste of everyone’s time. But the opposite may also be true. I don’t think this has anything to do with the cliché concept of mianzi. In China, being cynical or controversial doesn’t make you appear as smart; people will just silently evade it to avoid wasting time on useless discussions. You shouldn’t bother people at the bottom of society, just let them do your thing. And implied meaning is communication as well.
There’s this scene in ‘Romance of the Three Kingdoms’ where the warlord Cao Cao asks his advisor which son he should pick as his successor. His oldest son (which is tradition), or his youngest son (which he loves most). The advisor just waits a long time, and asks Cao Cao about the cases of other warlords who broke tradition. Then Cao Cao makes up his own mind, and decides to pick his oldest son nonetheless.
James Sowden wrote about this, how in work “the real measure of success may not be written down.” And in a video on working in China, Yiyao Jia says that foreigners are much more direct with their emotions too: “If they’re having a bad day, everyone will know they’re having a bad day.”
A Chinese friend mentioned: “Chinese people fundamentally do not believe in the power of individuals. They have an excessive admiration for collective systems and family authority, which has led them to lose themselves and prevent them from rediscovering their true selves. Smoking in the park, letting dogs poo everywhere, littering, fishing in man-made rivers, throwing garbage into the water, all of which damages public environments. No one can enjoy kindness from others, and no one ever starts by taking responsibility for themselves. That’s the way it is.”
Many people mistake culture for some trivia. How for example 666 is considered a lucky number in China; or that people wear red socks in their zodiac year. That a zig-zag bridge is built that way because ghosts cannot turn corners. But culture is much deeper. It’s how you have been wired through your upbringing, and how you react to a flyer on your bike.
The difficult thing about the culture you grew up in, is that it’s invisible to you; it’s like water to a fish. What is normal? The answer is always; whatever you do at home. And you initially think all other methods are silly, and it takes some more time to see merit in other ways as well.
